I Was Here (2014)

I was here for a time.

I was here and I was small, finding my bearings.

I was here and I was grown, loosing my grasp.

I was here missing the ease of life.

I was here writhing in my sorrow.

I was here finding my breath.

I was here amongst the ancient, putting my feet on the ground.

I was here wanting more, wishing for more, needing more.

I was here, content.

I was here wanting endless life.

I was here hoping not to be forgotten.

I was here. I was. I am. - Morgan CB

I recently went on a long trip. I wonderful trip full of adventures and dreamy golden fields. I find that the older I get and the happier I get, the idea of death and not being able to experience happiness looms over me.  I hate it. I could be riding a bike, feeling the breeze on my skin, watching my love do the same. Then all of a sudden a dark death cloud descends over me. My heart starts to race, the thought of darkness and nothingness make me fall into a small panic. My head starts to burn, my skin gets clammy, and I feel like I'm about to explode. It's fear. I close my eyes and I push it away. Sometimes I burst into tears. 

When life wasn't great, these death panics were far less common. Probably because I was spending so much time focused on my depression and wondering why I was stuck in shitty situations. As I moved into a healthier situation, panics became more common. I feel I've worked so hard to have a happy life, to find the person to build a good life with, and I can't control when death could take it away. I know this sounds grim, but I don't think I'm alone. I think this is a common worry, of course. We all have our own ways of confronting these fears and people get through life and die in peace.

I just think I'm beginning that journey. To find a way to be happy, live my life the best I can and meet death with dignity. I imagine myself in a new life, starting over again. After my eyes close and death takes me, a new life begins and I get to try again. More recently I imagined I was a child near a large body of water looking out over a sun filled sky. I was thinking about the world, thinking about why I was there. It was nice to imagine learning about life all over again, enjoying the wonders of growing up again and having another chance to seek.

How do you deal with these feelings? How do you cope with this life? I think everyone has there way, some ways more effective than others. I know someday I will get the hang of it. I hope so. Otherwise every awesome vacation I have or every moment I'm happy will be overtaken. I don't want to be this crazy, happy, death fearing person for long. It's exhausting. Why can't life just be easy? Why can't the struggle just end? Ugh.... Another mental foe to be vanquished.

Don't be afraid. You're never alone. The days come and go, the sun shines, the clouds set in. Life is around you and death just is. Use your time wisely! Let go of hate and let in love. Don't be resentful. Forgive and choose an easier path of living. Be happy for others! Be happy for yourself! More than one thing can be real. Help those in need and build a better humankind. Foster the lives of those who will be the bearers of legacy. Leave something good behind.

Love.