The In Between (2013)

My past, myself, my identity

My heart, my life, my soul

Through the lens of a new me

I see a new future

What do I keep?

My mind is a pool of thoughts

Thousands of dichotomous ideas

Do I want to be a seeker?

I want to be me

I fall into a void, looking back on who I was, who I am

The rain falls

the water moves around me.

Will I drown in the waves of my own fear, the anxious lies I tell myself, my loves?

Will I breach the surface and fill my lungs with truth?

I wonder. - Morgan CB

Have you ever found yourself at a moment in life when you were caught between two ways of living? I believe at certain points in our lives we have opportunities to grow, to improve upon ourselves. We can choose to continue to live our lives the way we've lived them for years, making the same decisions, encountering the same results. Or we can choose a different path, a path that could potentially result in a happier and healthier life. So, if you look at your life right now and the decisions you make, are you be happy? Are you content with the life you have and the people you've allowed into your world? What elements of yourself would you keep? What would you change?

I do believe that we are always changing, but I've recently been restructuring my thoughts, how I process emotion, and how I approach relationships. About a year ago, many major life events happened at once. I was moving through life, happy in some respects, but very unhappy in general. I knew I needed a change, but I was so tired. Living the life I was living and habitually making the same decisions was easy for me. Even though I was unhappy, I was comfortable in that unhappiness. I didn't feel like I had the strength or the support to be different. I knew that breaking away from old behaviors would be hard, and I just wasn't ready to do it. I wanted others to be responsible for making my life different… better.

It took my father's death, my mother getting sick, being forced out of my home, giving away pets, ending a relationship, therapy, rejection, reflection, writing, more reflection and never ending failure to get to a point of no return. Did I want to continue to be depressed, falling deeper into a place that I hated and never wanted to be in? Or did I want to be happy, move forward and creating a life that fostered growth and contentment? After all the sadness, years of fighting depression, and failed relationships... a spark lit inside of me.

I DIDN’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE.

I chose happiness. I didn’t want the depression to win, to have power over me. I needed to get to a place where my mind was clear, to identify what I needed to do to make my life better. So, I started anew. I got my ass to therapy, I settled into a single life, started writing down my story, and started to build a positive relationship with myself. I soon realized that I always need to come first. The relationship with myself, real love for myself needed to be the priority. How could I love others when I couldn't respect and love myself?

You might be telling yourself, this is easier said than done. I found the hardest part was making the choice to put myself first and not feel ashamed. We're trained (especially women) to put others first. We're often shamed for taking time for ourselves. When I talk about self-love, I'm talking about a deep rooted self-love free of blame, anger, resentment, hatred, fear. Just total unconditional love. Many who have dealt with abandonment, abuse, and/or loss have a hard time separating themselves from blame/shame. We tend to shoulder the faults of others and carry it throughout our lives. It's very common for people to enter into relationships and (unconsciously) recreate the initial damaging event in order to see if it will be different, which only reintroduces the trauma all over again.

EXAMPLE: A woman who was abandoned by her father at a young age continually enters into relationships with men who aren’t really interested in a long term commitment. The woman puts all her effort into trying to chase these men, change herself, change them, love them but nothing works. If the men don’t change, the woman beats herself up and relies on those old injuries (daddy issues) to cope, shouldering the blame for the “failure” (Maybe if I’m prettier, nicer, and skinnier he will love me, he’ll want to stay? What did I do to make him leave?). On the other hand, If the men fall in love with her, the woman pushes these men away, tests them, potentially recreating this sense of abandonment, because that's all she knows.

What can we do to change unhealthy behaviors? I find that if you want to make a change in your life, to change behaviors that aren’t serving you well, you need to do the following things (Including therapy).

1. Identify the behavior (i.e. dating emotionally unavailable men, blaming men for continued unhappiness)

2. Identify triggers of that behavior (i.e. abandonment, low self-esteem, shame, feeling unlovable)

3. Identify coping skills to counter the trigger (i.e. spending quality time with your support group, being accountable to yourself, taking up hobbies, taking classes)

4. Identifying healthy behaviors. (i.e. saying no people that carry familiar unhealthy characteristics, taking yourself out of unhealthy situations, breaking up with unhealthy friends, maintaining hobbies).

5. Maintaining healthy behaviors/coping skills. (i.e. therapy, joining a group activity, writing about your journey)

(These things have helped me (along with Xanax). It might look different for someone else, but it’s a good guide to follow).

The goal is to identify which elements of yourself are serving you well and those that aren't. Identifying what you want your life to look like, and identifying which behaviors you need to relinquish (which is usually the hardest part). For me, it was breaking the cycle of recreating the same event over and over again. I was dating the same person over and over again. I discovered what aspects of myself I wanted to keep and which behaviors were limiting my growth. I needed to break away from the idea that I had control over anything outside of myself. I started looking within myself to find strength, love, and the freedom to move forward.

Now I view love as a concept more than a feeling. Love equals giving, but not giving away your identity. I am a whole person and the person I love is only an extension of me, adding to the life I already have. My value is no longer reliant on my relationships. That's important.

When you start feeling like the person you want to be, fight for it, even when it's hard. If you encounter old feelings... feelings of worthlessness, fear of loss, feeling unlovable allow yourself to stop for a second, talk to the feeling and see where it's coming from. Don’t let the past rule your future. This is a bit of my journey and I hope it inspires some of you to find the strength to say no to unhappiness. This doesn't have to be a solo journey. Seek out helpers no enablers. Find a good therapist, pastor, friend. You'll have to walk alone sometimes because only you can do this. You have it in you! Change is possible.

You're the boss.