Just What I Need.

I decided to go out on a little mountain retreat, alone. I'm here, sitting in the kitchen of a small house along a quiet river. I hope to do several things while I'm here, but mostly, it's to find some peace. I've been struggling lately, just too many things in my head. I feel like this is the ebb in my life. When the flow can't find a direction and chaos reigns over my mind. As I'm a mother now, I try to keep the chaos out of my life and try to contain it to my being. This is not always possible or healthy, I understand this. I’ve been working diligently over the past 10 years to be better, to train the chaotic nature of my soul. I’ve succeeded mostly, but there is always work to be done. I had the opportunity for some solitude and I'm take advantage of that gift to maybe... hopefully find some clarity. This morning I found some sage to burn in a window sill and little trinkets, secret magical items around the house. I was drawn here, to a place that is calling for me to reestablish a relationship.

This morning, I came downstairs and appreciated the dark and shadows. The twilight amplified the special history and care of this place. I didn't turn the lights on for some time. I wanted to dwell in the natural light. I wanted to explore the voids that light can over expose. I made some tea and found a spot at the kitchen table. I’m listening to a ticking timer awaiting my breakfast. I turned on my computer with no real intention or plan, and came across a story I wrote after my father passed away, my telling of the day he died. I was taken aback. I'm constantly avoiding this story, it's painful, but it's there. I lived it, I wrote it. I have a feeling I need to review it again. It’s there for a reason, but I’m not quite ready. I closed it and immediately found another story, a story I wrote about my connection to a lifelong friend. As I read the story I realized my own words were a time capsule; a letter to myself for a time that called for it. Reading the familiar words and sentiment brought me to tears. Not only had I wrote something powerful, but I could hear my voice reminding me of the importance of connection and vulnerability.

"There are many moments that are good, many that are bad, and many that don’t seem to matter. I’ve learned to look at life and friendship as a gift and to be thankful that those friends exist. They are the deep breath that we often need to remind us that things are good, that we are okay.”

I haven’t been suicidal for several years now, but sometimes I feel the tug. I’m drawn to the action, the control to stop the thoughts and to escape. Lately, I have been feeling powerless over my life and what I want it to be. Being here in this quiet space and reading those words released something, something I needed to see and hear. Sitting here in this little kitchen, in this small cabin, in the middle of nowhere I’m confronted with my tendency to gravitate towards isolation, not only physically but spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. I’ve become a pro at disconnecting from myself and my spirit. It’s been for my own good, a coping mechanism for survival. It’s hard for me to be vulnerable; it’s hard to show people my truth. Confronting the story of my father’s death is a great example. I don’t want to complete it, because it makes me raw, it breaks me down. I can sense the sad little girl weeping in the corner. It’s uncomfortable. But, I realize it’s not just me I have to think about anymore. I have another human that’s watching me, learning from me. I don’t want my child to see his mother as a cold, unemotional being. I want him to learn that being vulnerable is safe, it’s good, it allows us to connect with others. I’m on a quest to understand my role in his life and I guess that’s what brings me here.

Sometimes we need to break to mend. My therapist would say that discomfort is a learning opportunity. Discomfort is a catalyst of change. Isolation and I have an evolving relationship. It used to be that I would escape to disconnect, and I still do that at times. Now, I isolate to be with myself and establish a better understanding of who I am right now. I do enjoy the reminder that my soul is ancient and I draw strength from memories. What I’ve discovered is that I need to be able to create a safe space when I’m around others and that’s the challenge. To be with myself, love myself, enrich myself around my partner, my child, at work, and with my community. It’s okay to make time for myself. It’s good for me to reconnect with my world.

Throughout the 36 years I've been on earth, I find my way back to what is natural. I draw strength from it; I draw energy from the fresh air, the leaves, the rivers, the ocean, the grass under my feet. Finding myself here, I can feel the renewal. I can sense the clarity, but I can also sense the pull of checking things of the list. How do I find that balance between what I need or want as a mother, lover, woman, sister, daughter and friend. How do I contain my thoughts and worries. Where do I draw my strength from? How can I find peace in the chaos of real life?

My challenge for myself while I’m here in this old place is to just be. I’ve found a spot at the table. I’m getting beautiful texts from family as I’m writing this. It’s strange, like my sisters and my friends are hearing me. I’ve allowed my heart to make connections and there are special people in my world that I allow to be close, it’s not an easy thing for me. I might burn some of the sage I found near the window, cleanse my spirit. I will take a walk by the river and connect. I will read my novel about forbidden love and drink my black tea slowly. I am only what I allow myself to be and I’m thankful for this space. I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to always do and say the right thing, but I’m on the journey and I’m trying to stop, take a breath, and reflect.

I know my way doesn't work for everyone, but I hope you find ways to feed your spirit and find that important love for yourself and others. It does feel like the world is breaking these days, but maybe that’s necessary for growth. I hope lessons become more clear. I hope we find a balance for the sake of a peaceful existence. Be kind, listen, and make love a priority.

Be well!