Through The Blur (P1)

I am a now a mother and a wife. Two things that I didn't always know I wanted to be.  The roads I took to find my partner and have my child were not perfectly constructed. Several decisions were made and some unexpected/horrific events took place. Looking back, there are several moments where I didn't think I could go on. But with the help of friends, family, and my amazing partner I survived. What I want to focus on here is that journey, starting with how I found my partner. Hopefully this story will help you in your search for happiness, no matter what that looks like.

I should start by saying that I didn't always want to be a mother. I don't think women should have to be mothers and that we're all destined to have children. I respect women who choose to focus on other things. For me, wanting to have a child was a giant question mark for a long time. I enjoyed dating, traveling, and leaving my options open. My 20's revolved around falling in love, traveling as much as possible, getting an education, and establishing a career. I didn't want a kid. I wanted to be close to someone, enjoy my sex life and be free. I was still a child, selfish and self serving. I was smart enough to not get pregnant and get out of relationships that were not conducive to happiness or becoming a parent.

Then I turned 30... At the time I was in a volatile, complicated relationship. I was very unhappy. After several failed long term relationships, the death of my father, and sour family relationships, I was tired... I was fucking exhausted. I was holding onto anything positive; refusing to give up on a relationship that wasn't horrible, but not good either. A baby would make everything better, right? For a time I thought so, but I knew that wasn't the answer. I had started therapy a few years before after a brief flirtation with suicide. My weekly therapy sessions became marathons as my therapist and I sifted through years of depression and dysfunctional family dynamics. Eventually I decided to be alone and ended the relationship I thought (in the beginning) would last a lifetime. The breakup was a slow, methodic, difficult process. Because I didn't have a great relationship with myself I really couldn't be happy with anyone. I would often project my self hatred onto my partners and expect them to fix everything. WRONG! So, the long winding road of change commenced.

Side Note: That last paragraph took a very long time to write and is a summary of so much bullshit and hard work. If I had time, it would be a 300 page self-help book/memoir.

Now, I need to say that I didn't really know what I wanted/needed in a partner (obvious). For me, I ended up dating different versions of the same person over and over again. I think this happened because at times, the people we date become part of a dysfunctional cycle that we become accustomed too. Bad decisions become a part of our lives. We are comfortable with the shitty life we have because it's hard to move into the unknown. As my therapist would say, "it's hard to step through the veil because we don't know what's on the other side." I started to step through that veil often, because I was tired of the same bullshit. It was uncomfortable, but change comes with discomfort. I didn't want to deal with the same issues for the rest of my life. I wanted to live a happy life. I didn't want to keep chasing after men that were uninterested. I didn't want to feel unwanted. I didn't want to constantly feel like I was failing. Ultimately, I found peace and a profound love for myself.

Cue, my husband. I'll spare you the details on where we met, but it was a very unlikely place during a very obscure moment in my life. He really came out of nowhere. Not the typical person I would have ever been attracted too. Totally normal guy with a gentle disposition. An unwavering confidence in himself and opinions. Honestly, it was supposed to be a one night stand, but turned into several days of long walks and car rides consisting of intelligent and surprising conversations. I had met my intellectual equal and it was the most refreshing thing that's ever happened to me. The relationship grew over a period of a few months. For the first time I had someone chasing me... I was terrified. I didn't want to make those same mistakes and I was aware of my ability to jump into things without thinking about the impact. But, something was different and it felt good in a new way. I wasn't angry anymore. I guess you could say I had found some form of enlightenment and was ready to love fully. I allowed this man into my life 100% because he demonstrated that he was interested in creating a healthy life with me. To take this person on as a life partner was the easiest decision I ever made and I was healthy enough, mentally and emotionally, to appreciate what I was getting.

The decision to have a baby became an easy one. I had found the right partner and bringing a baby into the world would be a reflection of that positive relationship. The following years would be a testimony to that decision and would only confirm that my partner choice was spot on. The difficulties would come from an unexpected angle and the years of therapy and tools I had gained from before would be tested again and again.

I'll leave you now with this. What does happiness look like through your lens? Take time alone and really think about what you want. If you could wake up tomorrow and have everything you wanted, what would need to change? What's important to you? You choose whatever life you have right here and now. You never have to stay if you're unhappy. Life is a dynamic and complicated journey. If you want to be happy, you have the tools to make a difference. Don't be afraid to use them.

Be well.