My husband and I were sitting in our house in Portland having one of our final discussions about moving to Iceland. We had several, but this one mattered the most. I distinctly remember the last boundary I laid down before it ended. "I'll give it 2 years!"
I had lived in Iceland before, almost 20 years ago. I had traveled there many times before, mainly in the summer time, and for good reason. Iceland isn't known for it's stellar weather. It's very beautiful, but if you suffer from seasonal depression, it's not paradise. It's grey, VERY windy (all the time), and the temperature rarely gets above 70°F. Being a gardener, Iceland wasn't a promising prospect for that hobby either. And the language… It’s not easy and linguistics have never been my forte. For God’s sake, I can’t even speak English very well. Least to say, the decision came down to me needing a change as I was completely burnt out from work, my husband wanted to be closer to his family, and our children were young, so a move would be a little easier for them. As the move became more and more of a reality, I started to build up this fantasy. I'm not sure if it was a coping mechanism or a distraction... maybe both? I thought about all the trips to Europe we would plan, the garden I would build about our new home, the work that I would be able to do. I created very elaborate plans in my head about what our lives would look like and all the amazing things this new life would bring. Looking back, that was necessary. I was leaving my family, my friends, my job, my life... I needed to make it worth it.
My daughter and I came to Iceland on September 5th, 2022. Two years ago tomorrow. I woke up this morning with a huge mental rock pressing into me (this happens every once in a while these days). Over the past several months my husband and I have been discussing the 2 year boundary. Overall, I want to say that I'm grateful. I want to say that I have everything that I've ever wanted, and for the most part that's true. If I sit in my rational mind, I should be completely content where I am, firmly grounded in my stability.
But here’s the thing, most of the time humans are rooted very firmly in their emotional brains (yes, men and women) and we have to work pretty hard to be rational. So much of this move was emotional and I’ve had to practice reminding myself that it’s not a fantasy. Change is hard and I work every day to bring light into my world and convince my depression that I didn’t make a horrible decision. Because otherwise, I sink into a hole that's completely and utterly unhelpful.
So, with that said, since we moved here so many good things have taken place. Our son is starting to feel more at home and is settling into school and making friends. Our daughter is loving school and enjoys traveling and learning new things about the world. My husband is thriving at work and doing a great job adapting to being back in his hometown again. I started a private practice and I get to work with so many amazing people. I get to be creative. I found companionship in my new dog. We get to live in a beautiful place that sometimes takes my breath away. No matter how many pictures I take I can never capture the essence of nature here. We have a supportive family all over the world, supportive friends, and we’re slowly making connections in the community here. I’m slowly understanding the language, and even though it’s hard I have people in my life that help me understand. The weather is shit, but I have ways of making myself and my family cozy. And if I really want warm weather I can get a plan ticket and go somewhere for a few weeks and get all I need. I’m fortunate, I’m lucky, I’m grateful and I know that not everyday can be great and I don’t expect it to be. I am 100% responsible for my happiness and choices.
So, when I wake up and two years have passed I have the ability to make a decision to head back to my old life, or keep plugging away at the new. I can make a choice to give into sadness and loss or I can feel my feelings and move towards things that bring me joy. These last two years have been a defining time of my life and I keep learning new things about myself I would not have learned otherwise. Life is ridiculously too short to wallow, but sometimes I let myself grieve. Life is life. It’s up and down. I am looking forward to the following year. Who knows what it will bring.
Thank you to everyone who has supported us over the last few years. We are so thankful to our Blönduós community and the support and love that has been shared with us. I’m sorry my Icelandic is crap, and I probably won’t ever excel, but I’m doing the best I can. Thanks for the patience and respect. Here’s to the future!
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